Funny Relationship Quotes

Need a good chuckle? Read some of these funny relationship quotes and you'll be on your way to putting a smile on your face!

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

Sacha Guitry

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Ambrose Bierce

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Henry Youngman

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."

Ogden Nash

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."

Duane Dewel

"Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."

Cher

"Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."

Woody Allen

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."

Steve Martin

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

Joan Rivers

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."

Woody Allen

"An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."

Agatha Christie

"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."

Albert Einstein

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx

"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

Jean Kerr

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell."

Joan Crawford

"Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name."

Joan Rivers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

Katharine Hepburn

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

Rita Rudner

"All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems."

Shelley Winters

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."

Mae West

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience."

Oscar Wilde

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